TNA iMPACT Results – July 29th
We open this week’s episode with Tommy Dreamer and the ECW crew in the ring, and Tommy says in the eight weeks he’s been in TNA, this is the loudest he’s heard the Impact Zone, and he knows there’s been a lot of buzz, and asks if we’re all ready for Hardcore Justice or what? Tommy says that due to some legal issues with some certain letters, they’re now going to call themselves EV 2.0. Tommy says he’d like to thank Brother Devon for rejoining the family, and Tommy wants to know what’s going on with Brother Ray. Devon says he doesn’t know what’s going on, but he’d like to call Brother Ray out here right now to settle this once and for all. He calls “Bubba” out to the ring because they have something to talk about. Devon says they should put all their differences aside because these guys (pointing to EV 2.0) are his family, and they are the guys who have had their back since day one, and he wants to ask Ray if he’s in or if he’s out. Bubba turns to leave, so Tommy says seriously, he’s Tommy’s best friend, and this is something bigger, this is the original KISS getting back together and putting the makeup on for the fans without the political stuff. Tommy wants one last night to thank the fans, and the fans start chanting “one more time”. Mick Foley takes the mic and says that make no mistake, they’re going to have a hell of a show with or without him, but in Foley’s opinion, the show would be just that much better with him on it. Foley says that when Bubba looks back on his career, if he chooses not to do this show, it’ll be the thing he regrets more than anything, and right now he wants Bubba in the ring. Now Taz gets up and takes a house mic and tells Bubba to just do it. Bubba goes to the ring and grabs a mic and tells Devon to answer him one question: are they going to light somebody on fire? Devon nods yes as the crowd starts chanting EV 2.0, and Bubba says what the hell, he’s in, and Bubba and Devon embrace and then Bubba goes around and high fives everyone.
Wait a second, here comes Hulk Hogan AND HE’S ALIVE!! Oh, if only this was in the ECW Arena in 1995. The Glomster says that they’re going to ride again and thanks them for doing it in TNA, and he wishes he had known because he’d have had a few extra surprises for them, but this is real cool, man. Hogan gets the whole hardcore thing, but these guys are going to take it to another level, and Dixie said to these guys were to the 90s what Hogan was to the 80s, and Hogan agrees 110%, but he missed the whole thing because while they were tearing it up in the 90s, he had a black beard and was ruling his world, but now he’s going to get a chance to see it at Hardcore Justice and nobody does it better than these guys. Since everyone’s in such a giving mood, he and Eric have a special surprise for everyone and Eric’s going to reveal it later, and…oh wait, here comes Abyss with Janice, and he hates to break up the extreme reunion, but he’s here to tell you that they are not happy, and they are downright pissed off because this reunion was never a part of their plan and wasn’t supposed to happen, and there’s one person they hold responsible, and it’s not Tommy Dreamer, it’s not Mick Foley, and it’s not any of the fans or even Hulk Hogan, the one person they hold responsible is Dixie Carter. Hogan says he could care less what they say, and as far as he’s concerned, Abyss should hit the road and get his head checked because right now, Tommy Dreamer is a guest of theirs at TNA and nothing’s going to go down until the PPV. Abyss says they have given him strict orders tonight to take Tommy Dreamer out, and therefore there will be no Hardcore Justice. Hogan repeats that Dreamer is their guest and he’s not going to step up until he’s good and ready…but wait, Dreamer says that he would love to fight Abyss tonight, so if Dixie and Hulk will allow it, he says let’s do it for everybody. Looks like we have our main event for tonight!
Backstage, Lacey Von Erich is telling Velvet Sky this has to stop right now and Velvet says it will never end, and then Madison Rayne comes in and says none of this will end unless they stay BFFs. Madison says they have all the Knockouts Titles and asks why they can’t stick together. Velvet comes up with several reasons, not the least of which is Madison hanging out with Dumpy Ass and Sarita. Madison tries to reason with them and Velvet isn’t having it, and says it’s going to take a lot more than sorry. Madison and Lacey keep apologizing and finally Velvet says they have a truce and they share a group hug.
Meanwhile, back in the ring…
#1 Contender’s Match: Sarita vs Angelina Love
Sarita is so much better than Angelina that it’s not even funny. She’s also WAY hotter, but maybe that’s just me. Angelina with a shoulderblock right off the bat and they do a pinfall exchange sequence and do the indy standoff. Sarita hides behind the ref and nails Angelina, whipping her into the ropes but Angelina ducks a clothesline and gets a rollup for 2. Sarita drop toeholds Angelina into the ropes and kicks her in the gut. Sarita works Angelina over in the corner and snapmares her for 2. That reminds me of how Marty Jannetty used to try beating people off a snapmare and how ridiculous I thought it was. Sarita takes Angelina down and drops several elbows before getting a rear chinlock. Angelina fights out but Sarita with a full rotation back suplex for 2. Sarita tries another rollup with a handful of tights but the ref catches her and refuses to count. Angelina escapes another suplex attempt and spears Sarita, then gets a running elbow, spinkick, and a flying clothesline, and she gets the Botox Injection for 3. What a crime.
Winner: Angelina Love
So now Angelina Love is, yet again, the #1 contender to the Knockouts Title.
Meanwhile, Eric Young is backstage goofing around and Orlando Jordan, ORLANDO JORDAN, says he needs Young to be focused and stop goofing around. Eric says he’s not all there right now because of all the head trauma he’s suffered recently, and Orlando says “Yeah, and they say I have problems.”
After a clip from Xplosion of Eric Young taking a bump off the top rope and landing on his head and going loopy, we’re back to the ring for…
Ink Inc vs Orlando Jordan & Eric Young
Orlando Jordan comes to the ring and puts his gum in So Cal Val’s mouth, and he is followed by Eric Young carrying…a naked mannequin with a feather boa, whic he props up next to him in his corner, so I guess this is a handicap match. Jordan goes right to work on Jesse Neal and beats him down, then snapmares him and we HIT THE CHINLOCK! Jordan with a swinging neckbreaker as we see that both Young and the mannequin are reaching out for the tag. Jordan straddles Jesse, but Shannon Moore comes in and boots Jordan, and one chinbreaker later, Jesse has made the hot tag, and the mannequin is legal! Young tosses him off the top rope and he burts into pieces, so Ink Inc knock Young off the top rope and Moore hits the Mooregasm for the win.
Winners: Ink Inc
Young crawls over to the destroyed mannequin and throws up the X to indicate that the mannequin is badly injured and needs a stretcher as we go to commercial.
We’re back, and Ric Flair is in the ring with AJ Styles, Frankie Kazarian, and Beer Money, and he says that we all know that Flair is a wrestling god and genius, so he always has a return match clause, and next week it’s going to be Jay Lethal and Ric Flair in a Street Fight with no rules. Flair is prepared to bleed and sweat, which is good because that’s all he can do anymore. Now, it’s time to introduce the final two members of Fortune: Beer Money. So basically, it’s the four guys we all knew it would be. Flair hands Bobby Roode the mic and he says it’s an honor, but they knew it was only a matter of time before they joined up with Flair since they’re the greatest team in the business today (not named Briscoes or Kings Of Wrestling…that’s my opinion, anyway), and tonight they’re going to beat the Motor City Machine Guns for the third time in a row, and will become four time (WOO), four time (WOO), four time (WOO), four time (WOO) TNA World Tag Team Champions. Now Flair introduces the new Global Champion AJ Styles and Frankie Kazarian, and Kazarian says they’re not a gang of angry rookies, they’re four seasoned vets who are the best in the TNA Galaxy. AJ takes the mic and says that they’re the best because Ric Flair deserves the best and deserves respect, and out of that respect, he’s going to restore credibility to the Global Title. He renames it the Television Title, and starting next week and every week and PPV after that, he will defend the title and it starts next week with Rob Terry…that is, if Terry can get past Kazarian tonight. Flair closes it by telling the girls that they’ll be at the hotel tonight and will be running all night long.
Uh oh, wait a minute…here comes Kurt Angle and he looks serious. Angle says he’s glad to hear that AJ will honor that title, but he should know that Angle needs to honor his commitment as well, which means climbing the ladder in TNA and regaining the TNA World Title. Unfortunately for AJ, he’s next in line, and that’s real…that’s damn real.
After a short commercial, it’s time for the next match…
Best Of Five Series Match Three: TNA World Tag Team Champions Motor City Machine Guns vs Beer Money
Damn, they got that cage up quick! The Guns dive off the cage onto Beer Money to start, then ram both members of Beer Money into the cage. Series of fast double team moves on Storm, and then a springboard dropkick on Roode sends him crashing into the cage and he’s busted open already. Shelley goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Storm escapes and gets a hanging neckbreaker off the second rope for 2. Storm rams Shelley into the turnbuckle and pounds him in the face as we see Roode bleeding, then tags in Roode, who comes in with a stiff kick to the guy of Shelley. Beer Money with a slam/elbowdrop/kneedrop combo for 2. Storm comes in and pops Shelley in the mouth then tags Roode back in and we HIT THE CHINLOCK! Shelley fights his way free, but Roode nails him and puts him up top and goes for a superplex, but Shelley rams Roode into the cage several times and hits a top rope Frankensteiner. Shelley makes the hot tag and Sabin comes in and cleans house, hitting a top rope dropkick on both men. Sabin puts Roode in the corner, hangs Storm upside down in front of him, hits a Yakuza Kick to Roode, a delayed baseball slide to Storm, and then Shelley tries Sliced Bread #2 on Roode but Roode escapes and kills Sabin with a lariat. Roode and Shelley go up top but Shelley rams Roode facefirst into the cage and hits a double stomp off the top onto Roode. MCMG with more double team moves on Beer Money but Sabin misses one and then Storm hits a Spinning slam on Shelley and powerbombs Sabin into the cage, and then Storm follows that with a lungblower for a very close 2. Beer Money tries to escape but Shelley goes up and tosses Roode off, then gives Storm a jawbreaker off the top. Sabin climbs to the top of the cage and hits a crossbody off the top on both men and all four are down. That should have been the finish. Storm goes for a shot with the beer bottle, but Sabin moves and Storm nails Roode, and the MCMG hit the doubler stomp/neckbreaker to pick up the win.
Winners: Motor City Machine Guns
What a match! That was absolutely awesome, and now the MCMG have their choice of the type of match next week.
After commercial, we are introduced to Mr Anderson…wait, it’s Matt Morgan coming out to Anderson’s music. I bet he’s going to impersonate him. He goes for the mic and the guy who controls the mic refuses to drop it, so Morgan yells at the guy and finally he drops it and Morgan can grab the mic. Yep, he impersonates Anderson and introduces himself. Now Anderson’s music hits again, and here he comes for real and when he puts his hand up, he gets a damn mic, and he demonstrates how easy it was by having it raise up, and then calling for it to drop again, and says he doesn’t know what Morgan’s problem is but he’s coming down to the ring to find out. Morgan asks if he finds it ironic that the mic in Morgan’s hand was what left Anderson in a pool of his own blood. Morgan says Anderson wants to hit him and take out the Big Bad Wolf, and Morgan offers to bend over and put his jaw out and Anderson can pop him in the jaw for free, but he knows that Anderson is too scared to do it. Morgan keeps egging Anderson on, so Anderson drops down and punches Morgan in the nuts instead. Anderson jumps on Morgan and rains rights down onto Morgan’s head and starts mocking him, but Morgan catches Anderson with a clawhold and starts choking him out, then puts the boots to him. Morgan takes the mic and uses the cord to choke Anderson out, but now Jeff Hardy comes out to make the save and he kicks the crap out of Morgan, and then Anderson recovers and he joins in. Security comes out and pulls Anderson and Hardy off, and Morgan uses the opening to cheapshot Anderson. Hardy and Anderson dive back on Morgan and security gets a little too physical trying to pull them back off, leading to the TNA agents coming out and breaking the brawl up and chewing security out.
We go to commercial, and we come back to Ken Anderson and Jeff Hardy backstage with Christy Hemme, and Anderson says they’ve been trying to get into wrestling for the last ten years and they wanted to be seen, so tonight they get their wish because they get to face Anderson and Hardy, and Anderson wants them to bring Morgan with them.
Back to the ring…
Frankie Kazarian vs Rob Terry
The ref kicks AJ out of ringside, and Kazarian dropkicks Terry from behind, but Terry shrugs Kazarian off and gives him a really ugly chokeslam for a disgustingly easy win.
Winner: Rob Terry
This is just ridiculous, Terry’s beating Kazarian that quickly? Oh, here’s why, we need to make time for Bischoff’s big announcement up next! Jerk.
Oh wait, it’s not up next, first we have another match…
Matt Morgan & The Miracle Security Jobbing Connection vs Jeff Hardy & Ken Anderson
For the record, the security job team’s names are Murphy and Gunner, so we’ll know which one does the job. Morgan starts and he wants Anderson, so Anderson obliges. They circle one another…and Morgan tags Murphy in. Then Murphy tags Gunner in, and they finally tie up, Gunner fires Anderson off into the ropes and Anderson takes him down with a shoulderblock and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Gunner tags to Murphy who comes in and starts pounding away on Anderson and rams some shoulders into Anderson’s midsection in the corner, but tries one time too many and Anderson moves and rolls Murphy up for 2. Hardy tags in and they go for Poetry In Motion but Murphy clotheslines Hardy out of midair and tags Gunner in, but Hardy catches him with the Whisper In The Wind for 2. Tag back out to Anderson and the Security Jobbers double team Anderson but Hardy breaks it up. Morgan gets bored and decides to wander off and leave the jobbers all alone, so Anderson hits the Mic Check on Gunner, followed by a Swanton from Hardy for the win.
Winners: Jeff Hardy & Ken Anderson
Christy is backstage and wants to find out from Hulk Hogan what Eric Bischoff’s big announcement is going to be, but Hogan’s leaving for a big meeting in New York, presumably to try and leverage a better deal out of Vince, but he’ll be back next week and he’ll have a few things to say about Bischoff’s announcement then.
So instead, we go to Eric Bischoff in the ring with Miss Tessmacher, and it’s time for his big announcement: on August 12th at 9pm EST, we’ll see something we’ve never seen before, because Dixie Carter inspired Eric Bischoff by announcing Hardcore Justice, and he was inspired because Dixie gave back to the fans, and Hogan and Bischoff can give back too, so they called up SpikeTV and arranged for a PPV quality show right here on Impact, so on August 12th, the main event will be…uh oh, here comes Abyss with Janice and Bischoff looks somewhat uncomfortable. Abyss grabs Bischoff’s mic and says that he just got done talking to Them and They want him to make the main event for August 12th, and that will be Abyss challenging Rob Van Dam in a Ladder Match with Janice hanging above the ring. Bischoff tries to protest, but Abyss says They have told him that Bischoff is the only one who can make it happen, so he asks if Bischoff will make it happen, or does he want to feel the wrath of Janice? Bischoff says all right, he’ll make the match, so Abyss tells him he chose wisely and Abyss starts to leave, but then stops and tells Bischoff that Abyss is okay with him, but Janice doesn’t appreciate when he bitchslapped Abyss recently, so she’s going to show him what a real bitch is. Suddenly, RVD’s music hits and here comes the champ with a chair, and he jumpkicks Abyss off the top rope and puts the boots to him. RVD beats Abyss down in the corner and baseball slides a chair into him, and Abyss bails to the floor, so RVD goes after him again and dives off the ropes, but Abyss moves and RVD crashes hard onto the guardrail. The TNA agents come out to back Abyss off, and here comes Tommy Dreamer, and Al Snow hands Janice to Tommy as he comes to the ring for the main event, which is up…NEXT!
Okay, we’re back and it’s main event time!
Hardcore Match: Abyss vs Tommy Dreamer
Dreamer is creaming Abyss with a trashcan lid when we come back from commercial, but Abyss picks him up and crotches him on the guardrail. They head back in the ring, which is full of plunder, and Abyss wedges a chair in the corner, but turns around into a trashcan, but Abyss barely registers it before picking Dreamer up and giving him a side suplex onto another trashcan. Abyss whacks him with a cookie sheet, then follows that with a shot from a Singapore Cane. Abyss with a neck vice and Dreamer fights his way out, but Abyss throttles him for a chokeslam, Dreamer fights his way out and hits a crossbody and nails him with another…metal thing. Dreamer with a big clothesline lays Abyss out for 2, but eats elbow on a charge and gets rammed into the chair in the corner. Abyss goes up top, but Tommy knocks him off and crotches him, then hangs Abyss in the Tree of Woe and nails him in the nuts with the Singapore Cane, then puts the trash can in front of Abyss and baseball slides the can into his face. Dreamer goes under the ring and grabs a barbed wire board and tosses it in the ring, then gets back in and nails Abyss with the cane again. He sets up the board and goes to pick up Abyss, but his leg gives out and Abyss clotheslines him. Abyss goes out to ringside and grabs Janice and does “YOU!” and swings Janice, but Tommy moves and rolls Abyss up for 2. He sets Janice up in the corner and whips Abyss into her, but Abyss puts on the breaks and punches a trash can into Tommy’s face, then chokeslams him on the barbed wire board for the win.
Raven’s music hits and he comes running outwith a chair and he and Abyss face off, but Raven turns around and nails Tommy, then gives him the DDT on a chair and with that, we’re off the air.