TNA iMPACT Report – March 29th, 2010
Report by Stuart Carapola, PWInsider
The show opens with a recap of last week’s events involving Eric Bischoff, Mick Foley, and Jeff Jarrett. If you’re just joining us, Bischoff made a match between Foley and Jarrett where the loser would be fired by TNA, and Foley came up on the short end of that stick.
From there, we go to Hogan’s office where he is conversing with Jeff Jarrett. Hogan says he has to get out the door to go to New York City to conduct some business, but before he leaves, he has to apologize for Bischoff because he gets so caught up in his schtick, but he was impressed with the way Jarrett handled himself during his issues with Bischoff and says that if he can beat AJ Styles tonight, he’ll be the number one contender to the TNA World Title after Lockdown. Jarrett thanks Hogan and leaves as Jay Lethal comes in in full Macho Man gimmick and says he understands that Hogan won’t be here for tonight’s episode and offers to take control of the show tonight, and Hogan says there’s nobody he can think of that he’d rather let run the show than Jay Lethal.
Tonight on Impact: Tara vs Daffney in a First Blood Match, Jeff Jarrett faces AJ Styles, and the Band takes on RVD, Jeff Hardy, and Eric Young!
The Band comes out to the old Wolfpac music from WCW with Bubba The Love Sponge leading the way. Bubba tears on the audience and calls them marks, and says that not one of them wouldn’t want to be him because he’s a national radio star who works for Howard Stern (part time) and he doesn’t even need this job, but if he’s going to, he wants to hang out with the Band. No disrespect to Christy Hemme and Jeremy Borash, but they have no business interviewing legends like the Band. He hands off the mic to Kevin Nash who says that he’s become friends with Eric Young over the last year, and he’d like for him to come down here so Nash can offer him an apology. Young makes his way out to the ring, and Nash says that what they did to him was wrong, but he’s got to realize that the two of them are friends and it was just business, not personal. The Band talked it over and decided that if anyone deserves to join the Band, it’s Eric Young, but one thing…the match tonight isn’t going to happen. Nash says Hardy and RVD aren’t in their league, and suggests throwing the match out and Young joining the Band. The Band throws up the Too Sweet hand signal, but Young attacks Nash and takes a shot at all the Band members, but gets taken down when he goes after Bubba. Nash says Young made a big mistake as the Band lays him out. RVD and Jeff Hardy run out to the ring and the Band clears out, though Bubba took an extra couple of seconds to waddle out while RVD pretended he couldn’t get ahold of him. Hardy takes the mic and says they’re ready to do the six man right now, but since the Band thinks they’re the main event, they’ll make it the main event right here tonight, and in honor of Lockdown, tonight’s six man main event will be in a steel cage! So I guess that in addition to Dixie Carter, Hulk Hogan, and Eric Bischoff, Jeff Hardy also has matchmaking power.
After a commercial break, we come back for our first match…
X-Division Champion Doug Williams & Brian Kendrick vs Shannon Moore & Frankie Kazarian
I hate Moore’s stupid punk gimmick so much. Moore goes right after Williams to start and works him over in the corner then tags out to Kazarian who comes in with a nice dropkick on Williams for 2. Kazarian slams Williams and then gets a slingshot legdrop for 2. Williams picks the ankle and tags out to Kendrick, but he walks right into a series of armdrags from Kazarian then gets whipped hard into the corner. Kazarian with the springboard dropkick in the corner, but Williams comes in illegally and nails him from behind, allowing Kendrick to cover for 2. Williams tags back in and hits a kneedrop to the forehead, then scissors the head. He tags back out to Kendrick, who chokes Kazarian with his boot and then locks him in a rear chinlock and starts laying in several wicked looking crossfaces. Kazarian fights his way out and comes off the ropes, but he and Kendrick hit head to head and both men are down. Kazarian goes for the hot tag, Kendrick catches him and carries him back to the corner, but Kazarian escapes his grasp and rolls back to his corner and tags in Shannon Moore, who comes in and cleans house on the heels. Moore with a top rope Frankensteiner on Williams for 2,. Kendrick comes in, but Moore dropkicks Kendrick into a German Suplex from Kazarian. Williams whips Moore into the corner and follows him in with a charge, Moore comes off the ropes and Williams moves but Moore nails Kendrick and covers him for the win.
Winner: Shannon Moore & Frankie Kazarian
Eric Bischoff is on the phone with Hogan backstage telling him to have fun in New York, and he’ll take care of everything. He calls in his super hot new assistant and says that somebody’s going to try to get in his office, and she is not to let him in. She asks him who it is she’s not to allow in, and at that moment Jay Lethal comes in and says that he and Bischoff will be working side by side tonight and if they’re able to work well enough together, he’ll make Bischoff the third member of the Megapowers. He’s made up a card for tonight which Bischoff reads off: the Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff vs the Killer Bees, Koko B Ware vs “The African Dream” Akeem, and King Kong Bundy vs the Junk Yard Dog. Bischoff says that Lethal is far too valuable to waste his talent on the undercard, and to concentrate on coming up with something for the main event. Lethal goes OOH YEAH and leaves, and then Bischoff sends Hot Assistant Girl to go get him Beer Money.
Still to come, Jeff Jarrett vs AJ Styles and the Band vs RVD, Jeff Hardy, and Eric Young, but up next, the Pope has something to say!
We’re back from commercial and we’re joined by “The Pope”, D’Angelo Dinero. Pope says that at Lockdown, Pope takes on AJ Styles in a cage match for the TNA World Title, a moment the Pope has dreamed about and worked for his entire life, only to have it jeopardized by AJ and Flair. He says he won’t call Flair the Nature Boy anymore because he was the Nature Boy 50 years ago and it’s time to grow up. He says AJ has been walking on edge hoping that Pope doesn’t realize he’s alive, but Pope is the guiding light of TNA, and he warns AJ that daybreak is soon to come. What Pope wants AJ to do is head to Cape Canaveral and buy the most expensive astronaut suit of all time, because at Lockdown, Pope is going to take him to the outer limits, and for all that he is…yes, he’s the champion, and yes he’s Phenomenal when he wants to be, but he’ll never, EVER be the charismatic, pimptacular…and a bunch of other stuff Pope, D’Angelo Dinero. The crowd chants “Pope is pimpin'”. Pope says when the smoke is cleared, Pope will be standing in the middle of the ring with the TNA World Title and the Pope and his congregation will declare that not only has the Pope arrived, but the Pope…is…PIMPIN’! I loved this promo.
But wait, it looks like we’re not done yet, because out comes Chelsea! Pope holds the ropes for her to come in the ring. Pope asks what he can do for her, and Chelsea says there is one thing he can do for her, Chelsea’s always had everything she’s ever wanted out of life, but there’s just one other thing she was hoping Pope could help her with…she wants to be a ho for the Pope. Pope says before they get down to business, he wants to know if she knows how to drive a stick. She says she can’t say that she knows exactly, but she’s a real quick learner. She asks if that’s a gun in his pocket or if he’s just happy to see her. Predictably, Desmond Wolfe comes out of the crowd to attack Pope, but Pope asks Chelsea to hold the microphone for a moment, then he turns around and beats up Desmond as he comes in the ring and sends him out to the floor, then turns back to Chelsea. He asks where they were, then remembers: he dips Chelsea and kisses her, then stuffs a dollar bill down her top.
Tara is backstage, and she’s…WALKING! We’re at commercial!
We come back with a grainy video of Samoa Joe saying that THEY have spoken, and the results will be different…very different. Hm, mysterious.
Speaking of mysterious, Orlando Jordan is lowered from the roof of the arena covered in caution tape and starts cavorting around in the ring and on the rampway in a manner reminiscent of a stripper. He makes his way out to ringside where a couch is set up for him, complete with a girl and a flamboyantly dressed guy sitting on it. We cut to a shot of a very confused looking Taz and Mike Tenay as Jordan pulls off his sunglasses to reveal that he’s wearing eyeshadow, and sits down on the couch between the guy and girl.
From there, we go backstage to JB with Tara. Tara says Daffney took her spider and everyone thinks Daffney is crazy and dangerous, but she doesn’t know anything about crazy or dangerous, because tonight it’s First Blood and that’s okay with her. Daffney runs in and attacks Tara and the two of them brawl in the back with Tara getting the advantage, and the First Blood Match for the Knockouts Title is up next!
We’re back and Tara and Daffney fight their way out the entranceway, and the bell rings to start…
TNA Knockouts Title First Blood Match: Tara vs Daffney
Daffney bites the head of Tara, but Tara doesn’t bleed. Tara gets a lungblower and starts beating on Daffney and drags her down the stairs, but Daffney gets a boot to the head and starts firing back. Daffney whips Tara into the wall then chokes her with a cable and drags her across the floor with the cable around Tara’s neck. Daffney grabs a broom from under the ring and rams it repeatedly into Tara’s gut, then rolls Tara into the ring. Daffney breaks the broom in half and tries to stab Tara with the sharp edge, but Tara blocks and kicks Daffney off. Daffney tries another stab, but Tara gets a boot to the gut and hits the Widow’s Peak, but there’s no pinfalls in this match! Tara gets back to her feet and grabs a toolbox from ringside and cracks Daffney in the head with it, and that’s enough to bust Daffney open and give Tara the win.
We see a closeup of Daffney’s head, and it’s a really light cut, but Daffney wipes the blood off her head and licks it off of her hands and she laughs wickedly.
AJ is backstage with Ric Flair and they’re…WALKING! And…ROLLING! We’re off to commercial.
We come back with a repeat of our earlier Bischoff/Foley/Jarrett video package, and then head to the ring for our next match…
Jeff Jarrett vs TNA World Champion AJ Styles
Hey, remember when Jeff Jarrett was Ric Flair’s handpicked Chosen One? Eh, didn’t think so. Tieup to start and AJ armdrags Jarrett. Another tieup and AJ takes a headlock and chain wrestles his way around Jarrett. A third tieup and this time Jarrett reverses an Irish Whip and goes for a hiptoss, but AJ blocks and reverses to a hiptoss of his own. Jarrett looks frustrated. The two men circle again, but AJ simply struts away from Jarrett. Finally AJ comes off the ropes with a shoulderblock, but Jarrett counters another one with a drop toehold, hiptoss, and ducks a clothesline and comes back with a series of rights and an inverted atomic drop, then clotheslines AJ over the top to the floor, and then Jarrett pulls out a strut of his own. Jarrett follows AJ to the floor and rams him into the guardrail then rolls him back in the ring, but AJ catches him coming in and nails him. AJ whips Jarrett into the corner, but Jarrett moves out of the way of a forearm. Jarrett off the ropes with a boot, AJ catches the boot, but Jarrett follows up with an enziguiri for 2. AJ recovers and hits a kneebreaker then starts going to work on Jarrett’s knee and traps him in the figure four. Flair rolls his way down to the ring and sticks his cane in the ring so AJ can use it for leverage and the ref catches him, but for some reason doesn’t force the break. AJ lets go on his own and tries the sam enziguiri trick Jarrett pulled out, but Jarrett ducks and slaps on a figure four of his own. Jarrett makes the ropes, but Flair hits his hands with the cane. The ref catches him again, and this time he’s had enough and sends Flair to the back. Security comes out and wheels Flair to the back as Jarrett nails AJ on the ramp and tosses him back in the ring as we go to commercial.
We’re back from commercial and AJ has HIT THE CHINLOCK! We look back to events during the break where AJ hit a low blow and then a dive to the floor on AJ. Jarrett fights his way out of the chinlock and gets a crucifix into a sunset flip, but AJ drills him in the face and hits a kneedrop, then it’s BACK TO THE CHINLOCK! Jarrett fights his way out again and AJ yanks him down to the mat by the hair. AJ works Jarrett over in the corner, hits a snapmare and then…you guessed it, BACK TO THE CHINLOCK! Jarrett fights his way out yet again, but AJ shuts him down with an elbow to the back of the neck. Jarrett reverses a whip and gets a big backdrop and a series of clotheslines and a back suplex. Jarrett with a boot to the gut and the Pedigree…but only gets 2! Ha. Jarrett goes to the second rope, but AJ catches him coming off and hits a belly to belly suplex. AJ goes to the apron and comes in with the springboard forearm and gets 2.999. AJ goes for the Styles Clash, but Jarrett blocks and reverses to an Alabama Slam and both men are down. Chelsea wheels Flair back to ringside where he WHOOOOS at the referee, but Jarrett whips AJ into the ropes and bumps the ref to the floor. Jarrett puts AJ up top and hits the Stroke from the second rope and goes for the cover…but there’s no ref! Eric Bischoff comes in the ring with a guitar and goes to hit Jarrett, but Jarrett blocks and gets the guitar. Bischoff gets on his knees and begs for mercy, and Jarrett hesitates long enough for AJ to lowblow Jarrett and hit the Styles Clash. Bischoff goes to the floor and revives the ref and rolls him back in the ring where he makes the three count. Looks like AJ legit split his hand open because it was bleeding pretty badly.
Winner: AJ Styles
JB is backstage with RVD, Eric Young, and Jeff Hardy. Eric thanks Hardy and RVD for bailing him out earlier. He says he may not be the smartest man ever, but he is clever, and says that Nash used to be clever but he’s tied his rope to a sinking ship. RVD says he and Jeff believe that once you’ve been to the top, you have to fight to stay at the top. The Band disrespected Eric Young and they’re going to pay. Jeff says he’s climbed the ladder to the top of the business, but the ladder he’s on now leads to the main event where the Band will be waiting for them. Eric tells Nash to look at his partners and then look at Eric’s partners and ask himself which one of them traded up.
Jay Lethal is backstage working on tonight’s main event: Brutus Beefcake vs The Model! Bischoff says no, there’s only one main eventer in the building tonight, and there’s only one person who should be in the ring tonight: and that’s Jay Lethal. Bischoff says he’d better get going because they’re going to play his music any second. Jay Lethal hightails it to the entranceway for…
“Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs Beer Money Inc
It’s an Epsenhart Special! Beer Money double team Lethal to start. They take him ot the corner and beat him up some more. They whip Lethal into the ropes and give him a huge double backdrop. Lethal tries to bail to the floor, but Beer Money follow him out and whip him into the stairs, and Storm gets right in his face and asks him how it feels to be a main eventer. They toss Lethal back in the ring and double suplex him then do the Beer…Money pose. Lethal starts to fight back, but Roode catches him and they hit the assisted Hurricane. Storm goes for his beer at ringside and Roode goes to pick Lethal up, but Lethal small packages him for the win.
Winner: Jay Lethal
Lethal celebrates by stealing and drinking Storm’s beer as Bischoff is sitting in his office with a look of disbelief on his face.
Up next: Desmond Wolfe faces The Pope!
We’re back with Taz and Mike Tenay while they take a moment to discuss last week’s incident where Matt Morgan kicked Hernandez in the head and injured him. They say Hernandez suffered severe head and neck injuries and it may be months before he returns to action, but next week Matt Morgan will be here and will talk about what he did to Hernandez.
We now head back to the ring for…
Desmond Wolfe vs “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero
Desmond nails pope from behind to start and locks him in a Cobra Clutch, but Pope reverses to a hammerlock. Desmond goes to the ropes but gets a cheap elbow off the break and follows up with a European Uppercut. Desmond with an Indian Deathlock, but Pope rolls over and reverses the pressure, but Desmond makes the ropes as we see Chelsea looking unhappy at ringside. Desmond with a stiff European Uppercut and rams Pope into the turnbuckle, then whips Pope down to the mat by the arm. Desmond with a wristlock takedown and drops his body weight on Pope’s arm. He goes for another arm drop, but Pope rolls through and nails Desmond with a flying forearm. Desmond comes off the ropes right into a Thesz Press by Pope, but catches him with a boot to the gut. Desmond tries a charge into the corner, but Pope moves and gets an open hand strike to Desmond’s jaw and then the springboard elbowdrop. Chelsea climbs seductively to the ring apron to distract Pope as Desmond wraps a chain around his fist and nails Pope with it to knock him out and pick up the win.
Up next, our main event of The Band taking on Rob Van Dam, Jeff Hardy, and Eric Young in a steel cage!
The cage is up, but before we get to the main event, Kurt Angle comes out to cut a promo saying that after Destination X, people think Ken Anderson might be as good as Kurt Angle. Angle doesn’t believe it, and he wants to give some insight as to who Kurt Angle really is. He’s an Olympic Champion who’s made a living out of winning and playing by the rules. He’s always in command and always in control, but somehow he lost his control. Maybe it was because of Anderson spitting in his face, or cutting him up with his warrior tag, or maybe it was because Anderson degraded the troops of the USA, or maybe it was all those things, but there’s one thing for sure: at Lockdown, it’ll be Angle vs Anderson one last time, in a cage, no rules or regulations, and no control, and the only way to survive is to walk out the door. Angle promises that the ending of that match will be Angle covered in Anderson’s blood. This brings out Ken Anderson, who would like to share his thoughts as well. Anderson thinks it’s about time for them to be, as Kurt would put it, damn real. Anderson says their feud has to stop before they kill each other. Week after week they bloody each other, lay each other out with chairs, and they beat each other. They’re cancelling each other out, so TNA managment put them in a cage to settle it once and for all. Anderson says a little birdie came and sat on his shoulder in the back, and says he sanctioned a match for next week’s Impact between Angle and Anderson, and it’s not just any old wrestling match, it’s going to be…a ladder match! And at the top of that ladder is going to be a key to open up a lock, which will open up the door to the cage at Lockdown. Ken Anderson says the better man will not win, because he admits that Angle is a better man than he is: he’s a better father, son, and role model than Anderson will ever be. He says Angle’s a nice guy, but nice guys finish last, and next week and again at Lockdown, he’s an a(bleep)hole…A(bleep)HOLE!
Angle makes his way to the back as the Band’s music hits. Nash and Angle do the Too Sweet handshake as they pass, and we’ll have our main event right after this commercial.
Scott Hall, Kevin Nash & Sean Waltman vs Eric Young, Rob Van Dam & Jeff Hardy
Scott Hall looks great, he’s obviously worked hard to drop weight since January 4th. Jeff’s got his “Sensational Queen Sherri at Summerslam 90” facepaint on tonight. The Band jumps the babyfaces on the apron before the bell, and Nash and Hardy make their way into the ring to officiall start the match. Hall and Waltman toss RVD in and then lock the door behind them, locking Young out on the floor. The Band works RVD and Hardy over 3-on-2, and Hall rams RVD into the cage as Waltman spinkicks Hardy in the jaw and hits the Bronco Buster. Hall holds Hardy for Waltman chops as Nash goes to work on RVD in the corner, but RVD starts firing back on Nash with punches and kicks, but Hall comes from behind and shuts him down. Waltman goes for a Frankensteiner but Hardy powerbombs him and hits the double legdrop to the nads and then the dropkick to the face. Hall keeps beating RVD up in the corner, but Hardy springboards off of RVD’s back and leg lariats Hall. Young starts making his way over the cage, but Waltman catches him coming in and nails him. RVD comes up and nails Waltman and tosses him off the ropes into the ring as Hardy lays out both Nash and Hall and RVD hits a Five Star Notebook Splash on Hall as Hardy hits a Swanton on Nash and then Young with a flying elbowdrop off the top of the cage on Waltman for the win.
Winner: Eric Young, Jeff Hardy & Rob Van Dam
Christy Hemme is backstage with Abyss, who says that Sting once mentored him and guided him through some of the toughest times in his life, but now he’s on the other side, and then he reveals that the first member of Team Hogan in Lethal Lockdown is none other than…Jeff Jarrett! Jarrett says the deal with he and Bischoff is far from over, but now he’s on Team Hogan, and he says if Ric Flair wants to get involved in Jarrett’s matches, he’s going to get involved in Flair’s match at Lockdown. Jarrett’s got a lot of pent up frustrations, and he’s going to blow it off at Lockdown!