THE ALBINO NINJA: RAW Review, 28/12/09
Greetings one and all, and welcome to the second edition of The Albino Ninja!
Oh and yes, my most insincere apologies for the delay in this week’s RAW Review – my computer crashed earlier this week and I had to spend a few days repairing the crappy piece of dead weight. It finally worked after I bitch slapped it around with my fabulous backhand.
Now, onto this week’s belated review of RAW!
WWE RAW, 28th December, 2009
It’s the last edition of RAW for 2009 and we see ourselves at the XL Center in Hartford, CT.
The show kicks off with… John Cena. Theme music hits and the Mammoth Mama’s Boy steps out to a mixed reaction of cheers, boos and 20-minute piss breaks – hey, what’s new? Regardless, he’s in a good mood tonight, goating the crowd for some cheap pops. He grabs a table, brings it into the ring and plops himself up on the turnbuckle. Here is a transcript of the dialogue that follows – more or less.
Cena: “Hell, you guys are excited tonight!”
(Cheap pop from the crowd)
Cena: “Two weeks ago, Sheamus became the WWE Champion. Tonight is the final RAW of 2009 and tonight I get a rematch against Sheamus for the WWE Championship. And judging from your excitement, I say we have that match right now!”
(More cheap pops from the crowd. Somewhere in the audience, a child dies from intellectual starvation.)
Cena: “And I say we make that rematch….a strap-me-to-a-table-and-spank-my-bottom-with-a-ping-pong-paddle bondage match!”
Okay, so I made the last part up (sue me and call me Mother Teresa) but you’ve to admit, these two men – Sheamus and Cena – have an intriguing homo-erotic chemistry going on – not that there’s anything wrong with homo-erotica. There’s a scary glint in Sheamus’ eyes that perversely reminds me of leather, whips, and baby lotion, oh my!
Sheamus makes his entrance, proclaiming that RAW belongs to him. Macho banter ensues that ends with Sheamus turning his back on Cena, allowing Cena to blindside the Celtic Warrior through the table with an Attitude Adjustment. Crowd cheers wildly as Sheamus is left broken on the ground, probably wishing he’d stayed in bed watching The Powerpuff Girls instead.
Backstage, RAW’s guest host of the night and hit-maker legend Timbaland dubs John Cena vs Sheamus as the biggest match of the century – oh really?!?!
Timbaland proceeds to do a little jig with the Belle Twins and Gail Kim – a dance that’d make someone in a wheelchair look positively nimble by comparison.
We switch over to Legacy with Ted DiBiase trying to plug his newest straight-to-DVD movie, The Marine 2, to Cody Rhodes. Frankly, I’d much rather buy a used condom off eBay than spend my money on another WWE boo-vie. They bump into Randy Orton who’s brooding in a corner, looking sour like somebody’s stolen his soiled briefs from the shower room or something. He tells the two that he wants to break up Legacy, bemusing over their recent losses to a bunch of misfits and bemoaning the lost of their Championship belts. I’m not a big fan of Randy’s overtly methodical wrestling style but I have to admit he’s fun to watch when he’s whining like a bitch. Randy decides that the best way to determine if Legacy stays or go is to put Ted and Cody to the test. He’s arranged two singles matches –Ted against Evan Bourne and Cody against Mark Henry – for him to watch and judge their performance at ringside, much to Ted and Cody’s mutinous displeasure.
First match of the night: Ted DiBiase vs. Evan Bourne. An impressive vertical suplex by Ted DiBiase followed by a countering spinning kick and a leaping hurricanrana from Bourne, getting Bourne a weak 2 count. A few minor exchanges before Bourne goes for Air Bourne but misses by a country mile. He is rewarded with a face-first toss into the turnbuckle. A backbreaking Dream Streak by Ted and the match is quickly and thankfully over. DiBiase throws a scornful look at Randy who still doesn’t seem impressed by Ted’s victory.
Up next is Cody Rhodes vs. the juggernaut of boringness Mark Henry. This is when I usually go for my smoke break. There are three things in life that are certain: Death, taxes, and Mark Henry’s ability to wrestle like an amputated cow.
Amen to you, oh holy cow, amen to you.
Why should I waste 10 minutes of my life watching Mark Henry wrestle when I can be busy doing something more productive… like watching my curtains flutter in the wind, or something equally sissy? Anyway, Cody goes on to win the match, gaining the approval and appeasement of Randy in the process. He pats Cody on the back, and the two of them make their way backstage – probably to wash each other’s armpits in the shower.
A short skit with Jillian and Gail Kim. Jillian wants to audition for Timbaland (insert album plug for ‘Shock Value II’ here), much to Gail’s disapproval. Camera pans over to DX and Hornswoggle. Triple H wants to tape Hornswoggle to a skateboard and send him flying down the corridor – what a splendid idea! While we’re at it, why don’t we toss Hornswoggle into a lion’s den for some good old-fashioned midget mauling, too? Triple H sends Hornswoggle flying straight towards Jillian, who’s in mid-audition with Timbaland, sending her tumbling backwards. Strikeeeeeeee! What a brilliant look of bewilderment on Timbaland’s face!
Diva’s match time with Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse. I absolutely LOVE Maryse – she’s dazzling as a diva heel with a devious attitude to boot! The match starts with a quick cat fight on the apron – nice straddling from Kelly Kelly by the way. Yummy. A clothesline, dropkick and flying cross-body from Kelly Kelly gets her a 2-count, but she messes things up swiftly with a missed backflip, giving Maryse an opening for a snapping DDT and the victory. Maryse’s post-match trash talk to diva’s champion Melina is excellently done, psychotic hackling and all.
Outside the arena, Jericho is petitioning against the ‘conspiracy’ hatched by the powers that be which are keeping him away from RAW since his losing of the Unified Tag Team titles. Big Show comes along and the two exchange some tender words with a hilarious undertone of gayness. Big Show tells him that ‘long distance relationships’ don’t work, and Jericho asks if he’s found ‘someone else’. Big Show implores Jericho to ‘move on’, that what they had was special but it’s all over now. It’s a nice little segment with a lot of love, and it’s pretty refreshing to see a sliver of the old goofball Y2J Jericho from yesteryear again.
And up next is the moment I’ve been waiting 12 long years for; it brings back a feeling of anticipation that is so poignant, so palpable, you could cut it with a knife. Vince McMahon struts to the ring with his usual engorged-nuts swagger. The crowd is electric with anticipation, chanting ‘We Want Bret!’ with great finesse and Vince lets the WWE universe know that there’s nothing he would not do to please them. He is here for one purpose only, and that is to address the rumours of the return of Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart to the WWE and to RAW. A short montage showcasing Bret’s greatest achievements plays, ending with footage from 1997’s infamous Survivor Series Montreal screw job. Vince remains insistent that it was Bret who screwed Bret, calling him a selfish egomaniac. The crowd chants “What?!”, and Vince teases us with his fumbling inability to make the announcement that will rock all announcements. He backtracks, finally uttering the words ‘Bret Hart will NEVER be a guest host here on Monday Night Raw!’ to a chorus of disappointed boos. Music hits, and out comes – you guessed it – The Heartbreak Kid, the man who played a big part in screwing Bret over.
What follows is pure and utter magic. Shawn tells Vince, “Sometimes, not often, but sometimes there are rivalries that are even bigger than this industry. There are rivalries that are so big, you can’t deny the people, and you can’t deny yourself.” He is, of course, referring to the rivalry between him and The Undertaker, and not Bret. Oh, such a tease! Shawn demands the chance to end Taker’s undefeated Wrestlemania streak with a rematch. Vince says that if he wants the match, Shawn has to make it happen on his own. Shawn makes a second appeal, persuading Vince to let Bret come back to the WWE. “What have you got to lose?” Shawn tells Vince. “I promise you, if you do, only good things are gonna happen.” Vince takes the bait and FINALLY speaks the magic words that send a tingle down my spine, right down to my gorgeous white butt crack: “Next week right here on Monday Night Raw, the New Year starts off with a special guest host, and that special guest host will be…. BRET ‘THE HITMAN’ HART!” Wow. Just…wow!!!
What I wouldn’t give to see Shawn Michaels face Bret Hart one last time at Wrestlemania 26! Screw all these modern day rivalries – Sheamus vs Cena, Orton vs Kingston, and every other maddeningly fragmented, mundanely mediocre rivalry on the slate of the WWE at the moment. Shawn Michaels vs Bret Hart is THE rivalry to top all rivalries – a true chunk of golden wrestling nugget! It was the rivalry that turned millions into wrestling fans, and I for one can only hope that this rekindling will be the start of a great 2010 for the WWE.
Backstage again with Cena – goddamn, what an anticlimax! Sheamus gets his revenge for the table slam earlier tonight with a cheap shot to Cena. I swear Sheamus is so pasty and pale, he makes albinos look like tanned sunbabes!
Up next is Kofi Kingston vs The Miz. These are two superb up-and-coming wrestlers that are in major need for a bigger push. The Miz with his obnoxious boisterousness and blabbermouth ways was born to be a heel and Kofi is a wrestler worth keeping an eye on for great things to come. Timbaland has set up the match in such a way that if The Miz loses, he’ll have to defend his US Championship in an immediate follow-up match. The first match ends promptly with The Miz going for a leap off the turnbuckle but sees Kofi finishing him off with a mid-air Trouble In Paradise kick and a solid winning pin. The match restarts, this time with the US Championship up for grabs. Kofi nails a massive cross-body for a close 2-count, but he doesn’t let up, planting a head-thudding Russian leg sweep and a showy Boom Drop onto a helpless Miz. Kofi hits another face-smacking Trouble In Paradise and goes for the pin. Randy Orton interferes, tugging the referee out of the ring, resulting in a DQ. And the rivalry between Randy and Kofi continues. A good match overall, though it was nothing spectacular.
Tag team time with DX vs The Big Show and… Chavo Guerrero?! Well, at least we get to see the hair plugs. Jericho sits at ringside courtesy of a front-row ticket from The Big Show. Big props toJericho for playing the jealous ex-partner to perfection! Huge vertical suplex by Triple H to Chavo. Chavo hits back with a dropkick. Shawn Michaels tags in and gets a hair pull from The Big Show from outside the ring, allowing Chavo to take advantage with a rolling kick, downing Shawn. Tag in to Big Show and the big baboon manhandles Shawn, lifting him up and tossing him like a rag doll. Chavo tags in again but fumbles with a mistimed leg drop over the top rope. Triple H back in, knee smash to Show, sending him reeling, but Show retaliates with a hellava sluggish spear. Guerrero stands atop Big Show’s shoulders, readying for a massive frog splash but tumbles like a jackass instead. Hornswoggle butts in, distracting Chavo long enough for Triple H to hit The Pedigree and it’s all over for The Big Show and the underachieving Guerrero.
Post-match, Jericho throws a hissy fit, kicking the steel steps in an apoplectic rage. Shawn gives him a little Sweet Chin Music and Triple H says he’s had enough. “You want your rematch? You got it, next week!” he bellows to Jericho. “But here’s the deal: When you lose, you’re gone for good.” Well, I’m willing to make a guess here and say that Jericho’s almost certainly going to be back on RAW for good; the show needs Jericho, what with the lack of any decent big-name heels on the roster.
Main event of the night: Sheamus VS. Cena. Do I even need to bother with the recap of this match? Here’s a riddle for all you kids out there: What’s 6 divided by 2? Answer: The number of wrestling moves Cena has. Here is how the match plays out; the very same way ALL of Cena’s matches play out:
1. Sheamus beats the living crap out of Cena for 10 full minutes.
2. Cena rolls around in agonising pain.
3. I look down at my scrotum – it’s wrinkled and squishy and looks a bit like the Mona Lisa on steroids.
4. Cena continues to roll around in agonising pain.
5. Cena is still rolling around in agonising pain.
6. Yes, he’s still rolling.
7. Cena becomes enraged, hits a couple of lame moves and an Attitude Adjustment.
8. I adjust my scrotum around a bit and now it’s shaped a little like Mickey Mouse’s head. Maybe I should take a photo and sell it to the highest bidder.
Oh and by the way, Sheamus manages to grab the referee as Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, resulting in a DQ. Cena wins but doesn’t get the belt, boo hoo.
Sheamus makes his way back, but Cena drags him back into the ring, wanting to continue the brawl – but Sheamus smacks him a good one with a boot to the face. RAW ends with Sheamus standing victorious over a fallen Cena; “RAW belongs to me!” growls a triumphant Sheamus. “Now, somebody fetch me an anal prod!”
And that’s it for this week’s review of RAW!
Once again, apologies for the delayed review of RAW this week; it’s not my fault that my computer decided to PMS on me. I kept losing my Internet connection the way a girl loses her virginity to the entire high school football team – over and over and over again. Anyway, tune in tomorrow for my full review of this past week’s lacklustre edition of Smackdown!
Also, if you’ve got an opinion to share… well, keep it to yourself cause nobody cares. But hey, if you’re an incessant piece of dung like me, feel free to add me up on Facebook at www.facebook.com/levanninja or visit my sparkling new wrestling blog at http://thealbinoninja.blogspot.com. Click on ‘Follow Me’ for instant updates too! You know you want more of me, baby, oh yeah.
Till next time kids, stay virginal and frosty!
P.S. Remember to come back tomorrow for the third edition of The Albino Ninja! Tell all your friends about me, cause I rule.