A very warm and humid equatorial greeting from Asia to all fellow Earthlings and wrestling fans from every corner of the world! Here’s a hearty, holiday-seasoned welcome to Wrestlescoop’s brand new and exclusive weekly column, The Albino Ninja!
First, an introduction: My name is The Albino Ninja, and yes, I am indeed a real-life albino ninja. Apart from my interest in assassinations and decapitating little demons masquerading around as helpless little children, I’m also a huge wrestling fan and have been one for the better part of my 28-year lifespan. From the glory days of the Monday Night Wars to today’s PG-rated Cena-esque ‘wrestling for dummies’, I’ve lived my life as a hopeless faithful to the world of sports entertainment (and an unwavering devotee of Stacy Keibler’s legs). In the past seven years, I haven’t missed a single episode of RAW and Smackdown and have subscribed to every WWE PPV since the dawn of time.
When it comes to column writing, I’m the new kid on the block; a true spankin’ virgin in the wilderness of Internet wrestling editorials! But don’t let my smooth, flawless bottom fool you – this column will no doubt keep you entertained, informed and, quite, possibly sexually aroused.
Now, let’s get the mojo juicing with this week’s review of Smackdown – the very last edition to cap off 2009!
WWE SMACKDOWN REVIEW
25th December, 2009, Christmas Day.
This Christmas sees us in Orlando, Florida. The show kicks off with a painfully trite skid with Vickie Guerrero and Teddy Long. Vickie shows us how she prepares her favourite holiday treats, with Teddy offering up some backhanded ‘assistance’. There’s a glistening roasted turkey on the table that looks a little like Martha Stewart if you squint hard enough. Vickie is salivating at the mouth when (drum rolls, please) in comes Hornswoggle, who promptly decimates the turkey with his grubby little hands! Oh, like we couldn’t see that infidel making an unwanted appearance from a mile away?
This skit was about as amusing as John McCain doing stand-up comedy and as predictable as John Cena’s three-moves-only in-ring abilities. We get it already, WWE – little people are supposed to be cute and adorable and funny. Har-dee-har-har. That angle ran stale, oh I don’t know, about 50 weeks ago?! The WWE desperately needs to rethink their comedic spots. Give us something fresh and funny for once, not another slapstick skid about furry leprechauns that I’d rather slap around with a pogo stick.
First match of the night: R-Truth, John Morrison, Finley & Matt Hardy VS CM Punk, Luke Gallows, Dolph Ziggler & Drew McIntyre. Plenty of great spots here seeing Dolph, Drew, CM Punk and Morrison carrying most of the action. The match ends with a splendid flying chop off the ropes from Morrison to Gallows and a Starship Pain onto Dolph for the win. Though this was a solid straight-up match with plenty of non-stop action, it’s a shame they didn’t take much of a chance in pushing the one-on-one rivalry between Drew and Morrison any further. I don’t know bout you guys, but every time I watch Matt Hardy wrestle, I can’t help but miss his brother Jeff all the more. Also, sadly, Dolph seems to be a little in limbo these days and is definitely being sorely underused by the company, almost to the point of being little more than a glorified jobber to other up-and-comers. That guy’s got immense talent and it’s an absolute waste that he’s not getting written into any solid storylines of late. Blame Hornswoggle for eating up screen time that should have been his.
Next up, Chris Jericho takes to the mic and starts wailing on about the injustices made against him for being so totally awesome. I love it when this guy rants! He is, along with CM Punk, definitely the best heel that the WWE have at the moment. Jericho is irate at the unfairness of The Fart Dynasty getting a shot at the Unified Tag Team Championship over ‘The Big Slow’ and himself, prompting an interruption from the number one contenders. And this is where I have to add: Combined, Tyson ‘Mr. Generic’ Kidd and David ‘What’s-his-name-and-who-the-hell-cares?’ Hart Smith have as much in-ring charisma as a wet sock drenched in a thunderstorm. No wonder the WWE have kept them off the mic for as long as they have. These guys are great technical wrestlers but God help us if we ever have to sit through another of their ridiculously awful promos. DX makes the save on the Titantron, mocking Jericho and The Fart Dynasty with much hilarity (Gotta love the jokes on Canadian stereotypes). Jericho berates The Fart Dynasty, telling them they have yet to make an impact in WWE (and he’s right – they haven’t) and gets rewarded with a cheap shot from The Fart Dynasty.
Backstage, Michelle McCool and her sidekick diva Layla continue to ridicule Mickie James on her weight. After weeks of mediocre promos, Michelle is finally coming into her own as a heel and I’m looking forward to seeing how the conflict between Michelle and Mickie will ensue. I’m hoping it’ll all come to head with Michelle smacking Mickie around with a giant ham. God I’d love to see that.
World Heavyweight Champion match-up next sees Rey Mysterio VS. The Undertaker. This was a nice pairing up of underdog vs behemoth, with Mysterio getting in a few decent shots and a nice leg drop from the top rope, but I doubt anyone really believed that Rey would go on to win this match. Predictably, Batista cuts the match short by interfering right after a backbreaking chokeslam from the Taker to Mysterio. Bell rings and it’s a DQ. The bust-up ends with 316s to both Batista and Undertaker, leaving Mysterio the only man standing but still without a title.
On a side note, I’m willing to bet my Christmas nuts that The Undertaker will continue to retain the Championship all the way till Wrestlemania. If the rumours are true, Taker is set to retire at WM26, perhaps relinquishing his undefeated streak to… Shawn Michaels? Who knows, but I’m definitely looking out for that one.
Cryme Tyme VS jobbers Bryce Andrews & Pat Buck up next. The only good thing about this match was JTG’s swanky red jacket (Gotta love that jacket. Sure beats Grandma’s knitted sweaters). As for the match itself, no prizes for guessing who won.
Backstage again with Vickie and Teddy that ends with Hornswoggle tossing some pies in their faces and dunking his face in eggnog. I am tempted to reach across the screen and drown the midget in it.
Divas match with Mickie James VS Layla VS Maria VS Beth Phoenix. Michelle McCool joins the announce table, looking absolutely stunning on camera today, and starts bantering on about Mickie Jame’s weight with plenty of chubby-tubby jokes to boot. Mickie plays up her emotional turmoil perfectly with a relentless onslaught against Layla in the ring. The match ends succinctly with a chunky roundhouse kick to Layla’s head. Beth Phoenix goes on a post-match rampage, tossing Mickie with splendid head-cracking finesse against the side of the announce table. Ouch.
Up next is the trailer of The Marine 2, WWE’s next straight-to-DVD flop starring Ted Dibiase. Honestly, do we really need another All-American Hero one-man-army-against-the-terrorist yawnfest? The banal script would probably make South Park look Shakespearian by comparison. Heck, I’d much rather watch a chick flick starring the divas, sprinkled with a healthy dose of semi-pornographic superfluous shower scenes, please.
Main Event time with DX vs The Fart Dynasty. A slow start with Triple H and Tyson. Triple H does a fantastically long standing vertical supplex on Tyson, a snide signature move taunt to David Hart Smith’s father, The British Bulldog. Several measured kicks and slams later from both sides and I’m almost asleep. The match picks up briefly with a tag in to Shawn Michaels. Scoop slam to Tyson and a missed elbow drop from Shawn. Tag in to David Hart Smith, and Shawn gets tossed up, over and out of the ring. Natalya gets in a cheap shot that goes unnoticed by the ref. Double team by The Fart Dynasty with Shawn kicking up at 2. More overly methodical wrestling from Smith – man, this guy sucks harder than a child on its mother’s nipples! Triple H tags in with renewed vigour, laying waste to Smith with two spine busters. Smith readies Triple H for a slam, but Triple H counters and shoves Smith straight into some Sweet Chin Music from the corner ropes, followed by a Pedigree for a predictable DX win. This was a decent match, at best.
Post-match and official DX mascot Hornswoggle runs to the ring with two words for us: “Merry Christmas!” I grit my teeth, clench my fist, stub out my cigarette, and I’ve got two words for him: “Suck on a flag pole, eat lead and die, midget!” Sorry, I’m bad with my word count.
That wraps up this edition of Smackdown and The Albino Ninja. Stay tuned for more with my upcoming review of Raw next week! I’m really looking forward to seeing Timbaland as the special guest host. Let’s hope for a good build-up to Royal Rumble 2010.
If you want to drop a ‘Hi’ to me to tell me how much you detest my pathetic existence, or perhaps worship the ground I walk on, just add me up on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/levanninja. Add a little note to let me know you’ve read this column and feel free to share with me your opinions and feedback! Leave your comments too if you wish, or drop me an email at [email protected] (Hate mail or nude photographs preferred) I’ll pretend to listen and care bout what you think, I promise!
Till next time, keep squeein’ ‘em lemons and be good! Remember, Santa hates you. And so do I.